Childhood Introduction
This girl was welcomed into a world so unfamiliar and unknown. Her eyes were wide open, not understanding what was laid out in front of her. She enjoyed her life as a kid. She played outside as most kids do, but this girl was the adventurous type. She played in ditches; She was athletic and was into sports; and she was the one who’d ride her skateboard down a hill.
She was a happy kid. She was always smiling, while enjoying her freedom as a child. However, there was something missing for her. She realized that she never enjoyed being around her mother. She always wanted to get away from her mother and she noticed this at a young age. She never fully understood the reasoning to its full extent, but later in her life is when her intuition revealed the truth.
She did experience “weird” things while growing up. For instance, she got in trouble for harming a boy in the back with a sharpened pencil. What made her do it? I don’t know. Why was she worried about having relationships at such a young age too? She didn’t know anything about having a relationship, especially since she didn’t have a secure relationship with either of her parents.
Something was missing. She wanted friends, so she decided to invite over kids in the neighborhood. She was excited to show off these kittens that she discovered in her backyard. She soon realized that was a huge mistake when the kids harmed the kittens by throwing them in the air, trying to hang them to air dry, and by putting them in a ditch. She felt bad after experiencing this.
It seemed like she was always unconsciously searching for something that she yearned for. I say this because she was always in some kind of “relationship” growing up and it started at a young age. Again, she didn’t know anything about what it meant to be in one, but she found herself in all kinds of situations. This wasn’t good for her as it shone a light on things that she needed to heal within herself. She’s just a kid though, so what would she know?
She went through life questioning her worth without consciously understanding what that meant for her. She would feel less than when the people that she wanted didn’t want her. She found herself comparing herself to others. She would do things that was out of her character for attention. She didn’t know anything about loving or respecting herself. It wasn’t taught to her nor was it shown to her, but it was something that she was missing.
Gudiance.
She didn’t have guidance. She didn’t have anyone to look up to. All she knew to then realize is that there were things that she didn’t want. The environment that she grew up in encouraged her to work against everything that she didn’t receive. She longed for those that mattered to her to want her. She longed to be understood and loved, but she always received the opposite from what she desired.
Her Experiences with Friends
People grew jealous of her, but for what? There was one instance when she had a boyfriend in the fourth grade. They noticed each other within the first week of school and he would always wink at her when he saw her. They ended up being together, but there was this girl that was overly involved in their relationship.
This girl, which ended up being her step-team mate, would have them sit together at lunch. The girl would hang out with her when they were barely friends just because she was in a relationship with the boy that she wanted. One day, her and the boyfriend broke up, then suddenly the step team-mate ended up being in a relationship with the boy.
They weren’t friends anymore.
It was an embarrassing moment for her because the breakup was announced in a way that everyone could hear it. She was standing in the line when she heard, “R**** said that there are plenty fish in the sea.” Her heart sank to her stomach because she felt like he didn’t care, and it hurt to realize that her friend wasn’t really her friend either.
Another instance is when she called someone her best friend, but this individual wasn’t her friend either as the friend would use her. She didn’t have an issue with it or seen it for what it was because she thought that she was helping out a friend. However, it came to a harsh reality how the friend didn’t have pure intentions for their so-called friendship.
The friend would watch her pockets by asking her, “how much did she get paid?” then would proceed to ask, “that’s it?” The friend had four kids, and she would go pick up her kids from time to time when she was asked. They went out to a club one time and the friend didn’t have enough money to get in. The friend asked her to cover the remaining balance, and she did that without a problem.
Things became an issue when she met someone new at the club. Supposedly, the friend had feelings unknown feelings towards her, but the friend didn’t decide to bring it up until the person she was dating was in the picture. The friend felt like she was being used. She was upset that she didn’t buy her a shirt.
This pissed her off because she didn’t understand why this wasn’t brought to her attention. The friend decided to involve someone who was new into the situation without fully knowing them. The friend spouse would talk about her behind her back too, saying things to the new love interest that she wasn’t a real best friend.
She even put money towards the rent that she didn’t need to because her “best friend” was without a job for the time being. However, this was the last time that the friend heard from her because she was being disrespected and wasn’t appreciated. This is when she accepted that she was the villain in someone else’s story.
The Beginning of Her Journey
She grew up with people pleasing tendencies. She didn’t know how to say no to people when she knew that wasn’t something that she wanted to do. She stayed in situations longer than she should have when dealing with abuse from people whether it was physical, mental, or emotional. She was conflict-averse, which caused her to be afraid of standing up for herself.
She didn’t understand that these things weren’t good for her mental health. She had to learn on her own what it meant to protect her mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. I don’t know what led her down the path that started her journey, but I know that she didn’t look back once she started embarking on it.
It could have been her meditative practices. It could have been her starting to do yoga exercises. It could have been her starting to explore her love for nature. Or, it could have been finally stopping to listen to her body and her intuition. She found herself in situations that she could not stand but tolerated things out of fear of leaving and love for herself.
All she knew on one day that she wanted something different. She didn’t want to cohabitate with people that didn’t genuinely love her. She didn’t want to be in relationships or continue giving access to people who would intentionally harm her. She didn’t want to continue experiencing that as well as her not wanting to partake in activities that would cause harm to herself.
She slowly began to realize that she played an active role in those hardships as well. For instance, how she actively CHOSE to be with those people. How she actively CHOSE to cohabitate with people that she barely knew nor liked. How she actively CHOSE to step outside of relationships when she could’ve left. How she wasn’t honest with herself, which caused her not to be honest with others.
Though, she didn’t know because she wasn’t taught the things that she had to teach herself. She became more aware now and started realizing the things that she wants and doesn’t want. However, the beginning of her journey was scary because she feared of being alone, but the more time she started spending time with herself is when she started falling in love with who she is.
She started discovering things about herself that she didn’t know or paid attention to. She began crying more in the beginning of her journey because of all the pain that she’d keep inside without allowing herself the space to heal from what has hurt her. She started changing behaviors that didn’t serve her anymore.
She knew what she wanted and understood that she had to change herself in order to get it. She started saying no more, which was a hard thing for her to do, but she did it and she does it. She doesn’t find herself in crash and burn relationships anymore because she knows the reasoning on why they failed in the first place.
She never would allow herself the time and space to get to know someone before entering into a relationship with them. She has gotten older and takes things more seriously now. She can say that she is truly happy that she took the step to be alone. She grew tired of putting herself through situations that were repetitive to her. She wanted substance. Depth. Growth. A different life than what she grew up in.
The number one thing that once scared her (being alone) has become something she found comfort in. She realizes and understands that not all people are meant to be around her. She understands that she wants to live than survive. Most importantly, she knows that one cannot have a relationship with another without having a relationship with themselves first.
The relationship that she cultivated with herself will set the tone for her next relationship. She understands her values. She understands what boundaries are and how they are a key factor with having a healthy relationship with others. She didn’t know what boundaries were either, which is something she learned during her journey.
The key lesson from this journey of hers is that she sees how important it is to have self-love. We were taught to love others before ourselves, which causes us to focus on others happiness before ourselves. That is unfair to us and damaging in a sense. Self-love is so important because how you treat yourself is how you will treat others.
Conclusion
For instance, you’re not going to have respect for others when you don’t respect yourself. Whatever you’re willing and not willing to do will show while in connection with other people. If you talk negatively to yourself or feel negatively about yourself, then it will show by manifesting itself into your energy and aura. That why it is best to be mindful of your thoughts.
The individual that I am talking about in this story is me. I wanted to share this to spread insight on a few things with myself growing up into adulthood. Of course, I will share more things more deeply in future posts because I have stories for days. I want to mention that one of the things that I always wanted to do was start a blog. This has been a dream of mine for years.
However, I’ve been so distracted with other things that I didn’t allow myself to pour into the things that interest me. Sometimes, I’d have regretful feelings because I feel like I could’ve been further in life had I focused on myself more. On the other hand, I am grateful for the way that things went the way that they did. I wouldn’t ask for it any other way.
I encourage everyone to show love to themselves every day. It doesn’t matter what it is, just do something that would bring joy to your life. In order to pour into someone else’s cup, yours has to be overflowing!